Living in someone‘s shadow 生活在影子裡

驀地回首

驚覺時光匆匆

我依然

夜闌人靜

可是覺得，心好乏悶，睏意不足以讓我躺下

大概是比較之心又浮現了

就在期末考緊張兮兮的前夕

竟然

提不起勁兒

衝刺

我不是累了

是已經忘了自己到底在為了什麼

總是不經意的拿他人的成功

來跟自己比較

覺得自己好遜

俗話說的好

混下去很容易

混上去很難

回顧高2，高3

渾

她

是我的好朋友

曾是我閨蜜

是我的假想敵

我以為她以前恨我

是因為我比她厲害

但實際上

是我自己修養不足

還要表現出一副理所當然的樣子

看回記憶裡的自己

我竟然對她感到抱歉

而對自己，感到了憤怒和失望

為什麼？

因為

我一直都活在別人的影子裡

我妒忌他人的成就

是我自己沒有毅力

可是卻紅眼他人背後付出的努力

我這是什麼態度啊

妹妹跟我說

她的直覺告訴她

我以前都很假

都很不願意誠實的面對自己

為自己打造了好多副面具

每天換不同的一副

面對不同的人

一直到高三畢業

亦是如此

好累，但我不想承認

所以那個時候

妹妹很討厭我

上了台大

遠離了家

我遇到了教我卸下面具的他

教我如何建立自信心的他

我以為我真的喜歡他

但過了一段時間

我竟然忘記了那種感覺

他也不小心成了我的假想敵

又愛又恨的假想敵

21

一個我都不敢想像

自己即將踏入的年齡數字

可是我的心智還留在17

甚至更低

虛榮

我真的配不上你了

放過我好嗎？

我好想要真正的自由

A letter to Jane Goodall

Dear Dr. Jane Goodall

It’s my ultimate honour to see you in person on this very day. You have been my inspirational idol since I was a teen. Thanks to my teacher, who had introduced you to me, which then ignited my curiosity and interest to know more about you, Dr. Jane. I embarked on the journey of studying the past researches you have done, the projects and events that you have got involved as well as the revolutionary pioneering effect you have on changing the world for a better place.

I was deeply moved by the borderless courage and strong determination you had back 60 years ago, Dr. Jane! As a 23-year-old young lady, you are incredibly fearless and brave to travel to Gombe, plunging into the intriguing yet challenging and full of unknowns’ research of chimpanzees. The time, the patience, the love and devotion you contributed to the chimps family, caring for the young, sending away the deceased, observing details and secrets that were kept unveiled for centuries in the chimps family. I can observe from the interaction you have with the chimps, it is radiating with lots of LOVE. The moment where the released-to-wild chimp came back to hug you had not only touched my heart, it has induced my aspiration to do something regarding the nonhuman animals, rethink the boundary we have set between us and the animals.

Dr. Jane, thank you for not giving up on hope even though how bleak and challenging the situation is. This virtue has been a reminder to me of being mentally and spiritually strong in the pursuits of my goals and realizing my dreams. You are one of the reasons I eventually chose veterinary medicine to begin with, gradually step by step getting closer to achieving my goal. I hope I can be like you (and maybe surpass you :D) someday!

Dr. Jane, I am really interested in getting involved in the Roots and Shoots and other programs that you and the Jane Goodall institute has internationally organized. Trying our best to restore humanity J Honestly, I can’t put my excitement and thrill in words for now I can highlight the top wish on my bucket list ----- To meet Dr. Jane Goodall in person! I really hope that we can keep in touch, for I vowed to follow your footsteps, being inspired and keep on inspiring people!

Once again, thank you and I love you Dr. Jane!

Tired demotivated

.
:/
:(

20161111 Reburst

开始觉得有点累了。
GO！
我要开始调整自己
挺胸！挺胸！挺胸！
杜绝肚腩！
早睡觉早睡觉早睡觉
不管读得完都不完
睡

我的危机意识去了哪里
并不是说我不要太在意成绩
反而变成了“我完全不想理了”！
该念的还是要念
该读的还是要读
该思考的，应该好好思考

好好调整自己
要让自己活得好好的 :)
让自己更好，真正的从心里开心

勿忘我

应该不会有人要来读我的blog吧？
有，也拜托尊重我的隐私。谢谢。

最近过得匆匆，随心所欲，有种漫无目的，毫无目标的感觉。

至少比上上个礼拜好很多，那是几乎每一天都在暴饮暴食+催吐。

觉得自己很恐怖。我很害怕他知道。我很害怕其他人知道。
我一直催眠自己隐藏的很好，实际上我知道已经造成其他人困扰了。
对不起

真的不是我想要的。

我很讨厌自己用这种方式释放自己
不但很累，心跳很快
又怕吐不干净被身体吸收变肥
其实我已经肥了
时间就这样浪费掉，钱像流水般挥霍
说对不起爸爸妈妈也没用
是我自己的问题

我以为我很独立
我以为我很坚强
但我知道自己就已经败给那个频频自暴自弃的自己
不要这样好吗，昕颖

Condolence Letter from Dr. Ery

最近只忙着应付考试
用暴饮暴食挥金如土来麻醉自己

都已经忘了自己到底是要做什么了

志明今天传了张图给我
突然自责难过之感袭击
我是不是也成为了那个只为了考试而考试的人？
只为了读书而读书的人？
我已经忘了什么叫真正的朋友
忘记自己是谁

不是不想改，是要改变的心不够强烈

已经3个月了
还是我行我素

明明知道可以控制的事情
可是就是蠢蠢欲动想去做
明明知道这样做会伤身体
可是还是为了享受一时的快感
而去做

手的疤痕越来越明显
越来越难看
连自己的外观都照顾的不太好了

没有不美的人
只有懒惰的人

他不理睬我
并不是成为我binge eating和purging的理由
人家有自幼喜欢人的权利
我为甚要那么在意
为了一个不respond to me的人在赴汤蹈火
我这是在为了什么？

问问自己
其实也没有很喜欢喜欢很喜欢他到无可救药的程度
只是很熟很熟的闺蜜
何必那么在意

整天在花心思想他在想什么
很累
怕他觉得别扭所以事事都保持距离
。
Let go.
What's yours will come back to you,
What's not, will never be.

冬天到了
要更好安排生活
不是自我摆烂

昕颖，多爱自己吧

2 Main Addictions

Facebook.

Binging n Purging.

I am really scared to look at myself now.

Strike

I have been repeating the cycle again lately
but I am afraid to face it.
Every single time I told myself it's gonna be the last time,
yet it reoccurred and reoccurred again.
Many times I came by the thought that I will be in control of myself
however in vain.

Took me months to slim down to the ideal weight I longed for
I don't want to be lazy and fat again.
This addiction is really overwhelming
I really want to get rid of it
BUT HOW?!

Please help me.

I don't want to be defeated.

Honestly, I have taken food as an excuse for not getting in face to face with academics ><
Yet I know the exam is just around the corner.
The growing inferiority in me is creeping and digesting my every single cell,
sending chills deep down my spine.
Every time I look at the toilet bowl,
My heart's pounding really fast,
almost gushing out my thorax like water.
It's torturing my abdomen and thoracic cavity but I seem to ignore the pain?

What is wrong with me?
I need to help myself to get over this obstacle.

20160923 A Day full of Gratitude

Yesterday was a long night.
Talked to him a lot and realize that we are still more comfortable being bosom buddies,
Disappointment and sadness crept silently in my heart, I'm not really sure if it's because of him.
Am I too straight-forward? Or am I too dumb to realize that he actually has feelings for the other girl instead of me?

Anyway, I slept overnight at Yong Ning's and On Lai's place.
Really grateful that they are willing to host me for a night. T_T
Women 3rd Dorm is also a rather large dorm!
Their room is relatively "longer" than my room at Women 6th Dorm, plus they have larger cupboards for storage.
Woke up at 630am and headed straight to the Animal Hospital on foot.
Dogs are indeed "charismatic" kids XD hahahaha

Experimental Animal class was terribly boring -_-
Besides emphasizing on CITI homework, I didn't get another important point from the professor(?)
Well, don't care.
Got the book "Far From the Tree" from Ho Chun Lin senior /A\ He's been really helpful and supportive all this time, I am really grateful to have such kind and caring TA, even though the class was over, yet he's still in touch with me and at times providing me inspirational suggestions about life.

Went for a swim after that, and I missed the waters so much and have almost forgotten how to swim smoothly @@ I really need frequent practices.

Lunch at Ren De Vegetarian was awesome <3
The owner of the shop is always so kind hearted to add some dishes to our plate if we have very late lunch >< I really love the food there XD
Walked back to YN's dorm, read some pages and took a nap.

The introduction seminar was rather successful and my hilarious photos have highlighted the whole event (?) LOL anyway, many thanks to my best partner Jessica, Hsiang Pei as well as the supportive audience QAQ
When we managed to get to the NTU Malaysia party, the food has been scavenged QQ
Chit chat with the juniors and seniors
I got in touch with the runners with visual defects and I was invited to join them for practice and research! Oh, sooooooooooo wonderful <3
Jimmy is going to direct a movie soon WOOOOHOOOOO

20160912 First day of School

First Day of school.
Quite lazy though =_______=
After some procrastination and mind debating,
I completed the abs workout, sweat (not much), take a shower,
And paced to the NTU Hospital Barista Coffee to enjoy my favourite brunch~
Oatmeal and fruits with milk
.
Signed up for a 3K charity run with Laura, Xinni, Reagan, Kok and Yo Ming
So excited for 30OCT *w*
In fact, I really need to begin organizing my schedule for 42KM full marathon training>,<
It's gonna be a heart-wrenching challenge!
.
Attended Chinese Herbology at the Main Building 201 classroom.
Initially, I thought it's not a popular class for it only has 1 credit for 2 lessons weekly.
Then I found out that it's a compulsory course for the Pharmacology students XDD
No wonder so many people.
Then it began with the AwKwaRD introduction from the botak professor
He cracked very very very cold jokes a.k.a Cheesy jokes /.\
Not very funny but everyone thinks he's hilarious LOL
The best thing about this course is: WE HAVE NO MORE CLASSES AFTER MIDTERM!!!!!
My original thought of deselecting this course had vanished XD
I gonna make good use of this opportunity to establish my Chinese Medicine foundation!
.
The rain is incredibly soft and light.
So delicate that it felt like rubbing wool cotton over your skin~ (apa expression ini?!)
Anyway, I took the MRT to NTU, bought some stuff and ready to march on for the next class
A new challenge I wanna take again.
This semester we are learning to view the problems and difficulties of the disabled and the needed
To assist them in a way that they feel comfortable.
WELL, I went to the wrong school compound :/
It's at the Main Campus of National Normal University
Not the GongGuan Campus! TAT
Missed the school bus to the Main campus so I took bus 74 instead.
I thought I was going to be late yet the teacher came later /______\
So looking forward to do something great and wonderful with this interesting teacher!!!!

20160912 Getting on hold of this semester

2nd year 1st sem.

Tried creating more grace period for myself

20 credits so far. 

Still thinking of changing 中药概论 for others.

I hope Monday and Friday can be freed out for my own time.

Planning to incorporate sports in it today!

20160912 Determination to Change

20160912__Monday__Cloudy

It's the first day of school. Again.
But this time, I am a grade higher.
Marching into the 2nd grade adds on to my responsibility back-pack, realizing that I am not the foolish and ignorant freshman anymore.
I have the responsibility to establish myself, as well as leading my juniors on the long journey of Veterinary Medicine.
.
Summer 2016 has gone in the blink of an eye.
Yet I am aware that my bulimic cycle has begun again.
I tend to wake up at midnights and crave for food binging.
The urge is painfully irresistible, attempted to battle with my thoughts in my mind, ended up giving in to my cravings.
Again and again.
I feel my self-esteem is depleting day by day.
I really loathe this overpowering feeling in me.
I have spent so much time in building up my confidence but it is going down again?! NO!
.
麦麦, Chin Guan and Kok had shown me the true value of THRIFTY.
Most people thought I as a vegan will be extremely thrifty for there's not much I can eat,
however I am the only one clear that it's not true.
Most of my money spent on food has been wasted away through binging and purging,
it's just that I do not dare to tell anyone about this.
.
I feel terrible causing troubles to the cleaning 阿姨,
I hate myself for creating so much havoc to her.
I am the one dirtying the toilet bowl, and she's the pity one cleaning it.
How can I ever forgive myself?
.
I really want to change. I want to change. I must change.
This cannot go on!
I must learn the lesson!
I must keep trying to resist and get over my urges!
I realize the freezing cold of winter will be a great challenge for me if I don't solve this.
.
First step: PLEASE, NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM, AT LEAST ONE SIMPLE SENTENCE REFLECTING ON WHAT I'VE DONE GOOD OR TO-BE-IMPROVED TODAY.

CAN YOU DO IT FOR YOURSELF, LYERA? :)

I need to be DISTRACTED FROM BINGING

The key to stopping my cycle to repeat again is NOT TO START binging on food.
After all these years suffering from this mental depriving mind battle, sometimes I won yet at times I was the loser.

There are certain causes which I realize will lead me to over-eating:-

1. With too much money (?), I will spend irrationally

2. Under pressure, usually academic pressure and peer pressure as well, I am a very competitive person. Still working on it. Learning how to accept imperfections of life better.

3. SLEEP LATE. I find that I will easily turn to food (buy them from 7-11, Family Mart ><) if I sleep late or having sleep deprivation. Honestly, this condition will only get worse for I don't really get enough sleep and will easily turn to the cycle due to the feel of failure.

4. Over restrictive diet. I realize after changing my diet to consume more protein in daily life helps to relieve my urge to binge on high-calorie food after a long time of restriction. It's like a scale, if I got on a side too much, it will bounce to the other side even more. So adequate amount of protein consumption is relatively helpful. (But I really need to think of a way to eat cheaper and healthier)

5.Too self-centered. I have to go out to see the world, to help the needed and to realize how lucky I am as well as learning to be grateful every day. I want to reset my life goal-----I want to lend a helping hand to people and spread the love, lessening the time for over thinking. Be contented and grateful for I have now.

So, I need to think of ways to distract myself from beginning the eating and purging cycle.
Suggestions for myself:

1. Drawing

2. Writing

3. Blogging

4. Talking to someone else

5. EXERCISE!!!!! (Please I need to DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

... (to be continued)

I have to win this battle.

I feel distressed and useless whenever the bulimic thoughts came flooding and the feel of binging on food overpowered my mind.I hate losing my sane self to irrationality, and then the irresistible feel of low self-esteem crushes me to bits. Again.

I knew I felt terribly guilty every single time I wasted money on the food and in the face of the toilet bowl. Wasting money and misusing privileged, this is undeniably unforgivable. I must have puked out thousands of money into the toilet bowl all these years suffering from Bulimia nervosa. 

All those hard earned money from my parents. How could I?
I must cease this war. It's mentally and physically depriving. I can't afford to lose myself again.
Away! Away! Feel of guilt! Away! Away! Bulimia!


Exactly what I encounter. Please help me :(
I HAVE TO WIN THIS FOR MY HEALTH. MY LIFE.

Battling my dark side

I always feel ashamed whenever I lose my bet to my indulgences.
Binging on food that I will never touch in my daily life.
Inferiority and fear had always crippled my heart every single time I am overwhelmed with food, ready to purge, to waste food again.
How humiliating.
Honestly it's indeed exhausting and mental depriving while fighting ferociously with the bullimic thoughts attempting to overpower my mind.

Anorexia nervosa to Bullimia nervosa. Almost 9 years of Tug of War, I don't have yet the courage to tell people about my shameful and sad past. What's even more torturing is when I doubt what others is thinking of me if they find out I puke out everything and waste dozens trillions of food. Probably no one will ever believe in me and desert me. How terrifying.

Please. Give me strength to drive away this devil in me.

Home bound v<^w^>v Short Excursion back to Malaysia

20160702 Saturday

2345 Boarding~~~

20160703 Sunday

0400 Arrived at KLIA 2

1000 Go visit Pak Mie

1530 Go back Klang

20160704 Monday

0600 Papa and I balik Pahang

1500 Ah Lyn auntie Facial treatment

1830 Visit Ms Chung Lay Keam – uterus cancer, OvarioHistoEctomy

2000 Gathering with Xinni and Lorraine at Shanmuga

20160705 Tuesday

0615 Trip to Kota Damansara Reserved Forest with KMX

1140 Visit KMX house – his mum is NTU graduate, major in finance

1300 Visit Hin Hua High School – refurnished library, teachers

1700 Walk with Kee Wei – he’s changed and become more matured

1900 Stupid paraphilia kid

2100 Filing report at Klang Police Station – Mum met her kawan sekampung =_=

20160706 Wednesday

0700 Hiking at Puchong Recreation Park – sibeh kaolat

1000 wait-for-30mins kopitiam =.=

1120 balik klang makan

1800 Grandpa, grandma, Er yi, Yi zhang, Jiu jiu sekeluarga come have dinner

20160707 Thursday

0800 Jogging in residential area – very hot!!

1300 Study Biochemistry

1800 Planned to take LRT to IOI Puchong Mall but closed for Raya, so Mama and I took free bus

1900 Bought 2 swimsuits, 1 pair of shoes

2000 Have dinner at Simple Life

2100 UOB and HSBC

20160708 Friday

0800 Mama got work

1100 Papa and I go AEON buy AMWAY Talcum Powder (for JH Chia) and found no Famous Amos =.=

1230 Have lunch at Simple Life

1300 Papa drive me to Joyin’s house, she’s studying for her finals

1530 KYB and NKY came…… awkward – Joyin’s brother is interested in KYB

1600 Yun Qian came from Hua Hin, play card game

1745 Jun Xiang fetch me to Hin Hua!!!

1815 Dinner with Pineapple, Weini, Keewei, JunXiang

1930 Visit Jun Xiang’s house – his mum is worried about his lost wallet XD

2020 almost lost in Shah Alam …… Luckily we got back to Putera Heights

2130 Papa showed Jun Xiang to Kesas Highway – to go back Bandar Parklands

2200 sorry OnLai…

20160709 Saturday

0900 Facial Treatment at Auntie Lynn

1100 Watch The Jungle Book – not bad larh

1300 Packed go back Klang

1600 Go to AEON Klang to buy a formal function bag and purse for mama

1700 Papa beli dinner

1800 Run 20 rounds at the park – bad stamina, need to train liao

1900 Dinner together

2000 Mama Papa help packing

20160710 Sunday

0530 Get up to prepare

0615 Leave Klang, Mama Meimei not coming

0820 Have breakfast at BMS Organic with Papa

0850 Check-in, Boarding

1000 Flight DZ 372, meal Nasi Lemak?!

20160523「重新認識＋接納自己」

大學，教會我許多事

首先教會我要獨立自主，要自己想辦法生活。

從安排宿舍到選課處理日常生活飲食起居，我都必須自己想辦法去面對和解決。

印象最深刻是自己從公館搭接駁車到內湖看皮膚科醫生，那是我第一次來台灣之後自己跑到那麼遠的地方。當時的我還天真的以為有人會陪我去，陪我一起面對問題，因為我真的很害怕很膽怯。結果，還不是自己去了看了醫生還活著回來，我真的想太多。

大學教會我依賴別人並不能解決問題，更不要期望別人替自己解決問題。

老實說，現今的我們身居一個非常幸福安逸的世代，但可惜的是我們並不知足和感恩。

我們太習慣抱怨，太習慣物質上的滿足，卻忽略了心靈上的富足。

這也是大學教會我的其中一件事——從外在獲得的肯定來建立自信心是無法持久的。

到這個時候我才明白內在自信是多麼的重要。

當情緒決堤的時候，我沒有一個可以依靠相信的信仰，真的感覺很徬徨無助。

別人很想要幫助我，已伸出援手，但是我卻找不到自己的手。

我一直在想，為什麼我今天會淪落到這個地步？

問題就出在我沒有接納自己，之前我都選擇逃避自己。越是逃避，自卑感越重，越來越無法相信自己。

媽媽這次特地來台探望我，講好聽一點是趁換工作旅遊放鬆，真正是要協助我度過這一關，認真思考自己的選擇，重新認識自己。

聖嚴法師在「如何培養自信」繪本裏有提到：“⋯⋯像這樣用溫暖的話來勉勵自卑的人，他依法面會學習尊重他人，另一方面也會嘗試改變自己，自卑感會越來越輕。⋯⋯但這非長久之計⋯⋯雖然能讓他暫時遠離自卑，可是一旦失去溫暖的鼓勵，可能又會故態復萌，一直處在自卑中，卻不自知。所以最好是讓自卑的人真正的認識與接納自己，才能勇敢面對與克服自卑的心態。」

重新認識自己 ：）

下一篇我要認真探討自己的優缺點。